i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
