just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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