By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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