I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
