i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
