Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
