I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
