I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Duck Duck Cougar?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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