I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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