It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
