I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
