How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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