my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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