The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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