So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
