Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
