Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
