He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
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I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n