Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
