I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
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I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye