it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...