you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.