you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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