There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
These tits shall not be calmed
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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