I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
