She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
