a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
