I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
