I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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