I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
