Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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