I am spending my child support on dildos
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
