the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
