I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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