the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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