no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
