My sheets look like a crime scene.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
