Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is Oprah even human
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
