Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
