i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
