that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
