honey bunches of taint.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
