halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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