I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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