you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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