never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
