Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
