The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
