She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
