Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
