nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
