She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
