my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
