At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
