On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
