1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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