here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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