MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
