I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
