Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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